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Resume & Cover Letter Humor

Humorous Misspellings:

  1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
  2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
  3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
  4. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
  5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
  6. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."

Say that again?

  1. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
  2. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
  3. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
  4. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
  5. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
  6. "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
  7. "I show great attention to detale."

Digging a deeper hole for myself:

  1. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
  2. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
  3. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
  4. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."

Wiseguy responses:

  1. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
  2. "References: None. I've left a path of destruction behind me."

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